Chapter 7

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            “ Can somebody please the door behind me, my hands are full?  “ In the tense silence the young woman’s voice seemed extraordinarily loud ~ and kind. 

            He felt a sharp sense of relief he didn’t have time to hide as she brushed past him, a gallon container of fresh milk hanging from under both paper sacks

from the grocery store.  Excusing himself to the burly Scots man he moved out of his way to respond, John Carbasian found himself startled by how small and young she looked as he hastened in to help her. 

            Wedging herself on tiptoe to ease the heavy supermarket bags unto the counters, she reached for him eagerly as he approached with his arms outstretched. It moved him deeply to see and feel her response but the aching loss of his mother’s death stopped him short as soon as he felt the small mound of her belly press against him.

            “  What’s wrong, John? Did you and Big Al argue? Over me?  “

            “  Not this time.  “  He said, startled by the change on her face as her arms dropped to her side and she stepped back, wary again.  “  You were gone.  “ 

            “  When Luke cries, you hear him before I do, even when you’re asleep. I needed to get some formula before he woke up. Don’t you trust me John?  “

            “  I want you to be able to trust me, but my feelings are so mixed, Gabby.  “

            He looked up at her face, attempting to read her emotions but he was shut out and he cursed himself for being so unkind. She had lost just as a great a supporter as he had when Gabriella died. Only he was only enough to know better! 

            “  Are your friend and the Hoag’s going to join us for breakfast, John?  “  She could have been standing on another continent as distant as her voice sounded. Any other time he would simply have turned around and walked away, but his hand moved toward her in question even before he was conscious of the attempt at reconciliation.

            He held his breath as she stood in one place, staring at his face, then she took a single step forward and clasp his hand.

            “  Never mind, I’ll ask them. “  He was grateful she chose to leave the room rather than require him too; he stepped toward the dishwasher and leaned against it, struggling with the pain sear of emotions he hadn’t faced since his adolescence in Lebanon. 

            When he heard her chatting so familiarly with the First Nations woman he simply straightened and walked out to the old fashioned porch to keep his face, and therefore his mixed emotions hidden from the perceptive matron. 

            “  Hey, Brother John?  Where are you?  “  Bram called nervously. “  I got’tae go.

You’ve been great and all, but I’ve got too!  “

            “  It’s up to you.  “

            “  It always was! “  The younger man retorted sharply.

            As John walked through the unusually silent apartment, they were met at the front door by Mitch Conroy, who acted like his strange absence of several days should be accepted as a matter of course.

            “  First Bedford follows Seilee, now this jerk is shadowing me? Am I next one to go?  “

            John’s automatic reassurance was silenced by the strange, weighing look the private investigator gave the fearful man as Bram raced past him, tripping the stairs in his haste to flee this personal demons. 

            “  Something going on I should know about?  “

            “  Noah’s Ark only holds two of a kind. “  John snapped, wishing they’d all go away and allow him to grieve in peace.

            “  Is Al here?  “

            “  In the living room. “ 

            It took him a moment to realize the smaller man was waiting for his permission to enter.  John waved him in, ready to walk out the door when he heard the infant’s low cry behind him. As he turned, he saw his new wife’s pale face in the shadows of the foyer as she pressed the bundled infant to her shoulder, her eyes filling with tears. He was leaving her, just as every one else had!

            Risking everything he motioned for him to come to him. She walked as slowly as to her own execution and laid the boy in his arms, her gaze never leaving his face.

            “  Get my coat too, darling.  “  He asked, pretending that was his question. She spun on her front toe and whirled, kissing him hard on the stubble on his chin, then she raced silently to force open the door and pull both coats down as the plastic hangers buckled and flew off the bar. She simply slammed the door shut and ran to him, throwing his coat on the hallway table while she struggled to get hers on; pulling her hair out from under the back of the collar, and then tenderly reclaiming the quiet child in her arm. John’s mouth set in a firm line as he pushed her shoulder, sliding on his coat as he pulled the door shut behind him.

            “  We’ll pick up some things as we drive. “  He promised.

            “  Where, John?  “

            “  At this moment, I don’t care!  “

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            He drove along the coast road because it allowed him escape from the urban high rises and the clamor of tourists and trolleys. When he reached the maroon and brick flatlands of the salt flats he paused and turned off the engine. No one could approach them for several miles in either direction, by land or by boat without being seen well in advance. He accepted the chilled soda pop bottles from the insulated bag and silently cursed himself. He’d taken off without his insulin! As he downed the stinging carbonation and sugar he tried to clear his mind but all he could ‘see’ was the cliff top outside the Santa Cruz based mansion of the late Harold Devlon and this woman’s sister approaching him. His flesh rose in response and he looked away harder, for fear his thoughts would be as visible as his physical response.

            “  I feel used.  “

            “  I’m sorry, John. I never meant for you to feel that way. “  She turned her head and looked out the other window and he cursed himself for his thoughtlessness.

            When he reached out his arm to touch her shoulder, she stiffened.

            “  Having my Mom back in my life for the last two years, and having you and Luke Daniel in it for the next twenty, or as many as God grants us, is the only thing that’s keeping me from going insane, Baby. “  He coaxed.

            She nodded but kept looking away.

            “  I trapped you, I know.  I guess I was just living in a fantasy world. “

            “  No. I was the one doing that, Gabby.  What we have now has a real chance to grow and be something better than I’ll ever deserved, Sweetheart, but I was thinking about the way I’ve been living my life as if one day on the calendar had no relationship to the other! “

            She turned in the seat slowly, looking at him, frowning in puzzlement.

            “  I put everything on hold until we could open Sea Oaks. It was a way to complete what I started when I still thought I could make a difference. Be Jesus’ hands, that kind of thing! “

            Her frown deepened but she remained silent.

            “  I had it all planned. Spend the rest of my life fixing people as mechanically as Georgie’s son repairs old cars by putting in new parts.  “

            Her hand was soft as it lay against his lapel.

            “  I was going to marry the image of my dead wife, set myself up as a small demigod, nothing too extravagant, and slip into the future at my own pace….Then at the end of an old age I’d walk up and let God congratulate me for all the good I’d done! “

            “  You’ve done a lot of good, for a lot of people, John. Things are just changing, the way they’re suppose too.  “

            Anger rose up in him like an uncapped volcano.

            “  It’s all that easy?  “  He demanded contemptuously.

            “  You accept it or you get plowed under by it.  I mean, how much time can we have left till Armageddon explodes? I’m the one who’s selfish! I had this baby in a time when the world is going to hell and all I cared about was that I needed it!  “ 

            John forced his upper body to relax, making room for her, but she warily kept her distance.

            “  Baby. You may be closer to the angels then I can ever hope to me.  “  He said at last, but it sounded to her like he was saying goodbye, and even after he started the car and randomly choose the Vallejo entrance to the freeway, she made no attempt to pull him closer. She knew how to be alone. Even with Luke Daniel, it would difficult, but she knew from long experience living on the street that she was strong enough to survive and make a place for her son to grow up in.

            James Patrick seemed relieved to see them drive up.

            “  Al’s bringing your insulin.  “  He offered quietly as their handshake became a brief, warm embrace between equals.  “  Let mae hae the baby while ye rest, Child. Ye look like yer ready tae drop!  “   He coaxed tenderly, but Gabby found herself unable to part with the physical weight and demands of the child on her mind. She wasn’t ready to face the massive churning of her thoughts even as Amanda Tracer and her husband walked into the yellowed oblong shaft of light cast from the houseboat’s main window.

It was a relief to have the warmed space filled with the chatter of his two grandchildren

Mocu and Hannah.

            “  Ye mae hae been right a’ boot Matthew, John.  “  The stocky Scots man said in answer to the long silence at his approach at the rear of the houseboat’s upper deck. “ Mitch was able to confirm the virus in our computers was no ordinary industrial sabotaged.  But that does nay make him a killer, John. “

            John Carbasian watched the slow flight of a cormorant low across the blackened edge of the horizon. The odor of sewerage and rot was uncommonly strong as it filtered in from the nearby marsh. Wetlands to be filled in and bulldozer in civilization’s relentless march forward, no matter the attempts of the newly formed coastal tidelands watch committee signed by Johnson.

            “  He was raised by Snake Lovich, Al! She knew what he was and she gave your son to him in exchange for protection from her grandfather! What happened next was as inevitable as the Kennedy assassinations!  “

            “  When I look at him, I see the wee bairn in Gabby’s arms, I see the five year old boy who ran tae mae in tears because his balloon floated away a the zoo… “

            “  Because he refused to let you tie the string to his wrist.  And you got him another one!  “

            “  He’s mae son, John.  “  The scarred man answered softly in puzzlement.

            “  No. He’s her son!  But you can’t see that!  “

            “  When I’m perfect, I’ll ask Wee Mattie tae be…. “

            “  You’re an honorable man who’s spent his entire life in service to others, Al.  “

The calm, low voice slashed as he stepped away. “  When will your son be that?  “

            “  When yours is?  “ 

            John Carbasian turned around slowly.

            “  If you go now, we’ll never be friends again, Al.  “

            The stout, burly man straightened to the best of his ability but he shoved his hands in his pockets, staring at the glowing spangle of stars over the distant city horizon. 

            “  What is it yer asking o’ mae, John?  “

            “  A man is dead, who asked me for help.  Can you help me find his killer?  “

            “  I’ll join the search for when he kills ye, John. Whether it’s Wee Mattie no. But a’ the moment yer asking more o’ mae than I have tae give!  “

            “  Is he, Al?  “  Georgiana Hoag asked quietly, catching their attention for the first time.  “  I’ve never rebuked you for loving her more than you love me, I can accept that. You’ve  a part of my life for so many years even when we were young and foolish, not just old and foolish, that I can live with the pierces you throw me, like a soup bone to an old hound you can’t quite drive away. But you have to see what Loraine was, and you have to see what her son has become or they’ll never be room for flesh and blood in your life, Honey Bee. And you know it. I’m not asking for me, or Randy, he has his dad, whatever else Zee might be. But it cuts my heart out to see you go on hurting yourself in blind grief for something that was never worthy of your love.  “

            “  Und who are we tae for ye tae judge mae?  “  He shouted, bending double. Unwittingly silencing the happy laughter on the first floor of the boat.

            “  We’re the ones who’ll stand by you until the grave, Al Honey. With or without your ghosts.  John?  I need you both to come downstairs now, we’re getting ready to leave and your wife doesn’t want to leave without you…unless she has too. “

            A thousand protests and rationales leaped to his mind but John unclenched his fists and merely nodded. He might as well try to lie to himself as to lie to the wise matron looking at him from the edge of the deck.

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             Matthew Allen Lovich struggled to calm his heartbeat and the flooding warmth to his cheeks as he waited for his father and former friend to be shown into the office. He glanced around it in terror. Despite all the money he’d paid to have it professionally designed and furnished, it seemed a hallow shell of lacquer and too much mahogany, his foolish attempt to imply the mastery of polished wood and old money that his grandfather Harold used to bully people into acceding to his superior will in the Teens, Twenties, and Thirties.  Everything which helped him to feel superior to the people that needed to come to him fell aside and he felt like he did as a kid caught playing dress-up in his father’s best suit.  Sam Lovich had laughed, but he’d been forced away from the privileged circle until he won his father’s confidence back. Lying was a good thing, going where personal secrets were held, punishable by shame and isolation.  

            “  Al. Brother John.  “  He said in a practiced voice, walking around the massive desk to imply familiarity he used to put his opponents at ease.  When neither man attempted to shake the extended hand, he subtly altered it to a sweeping gesture toward the Moroccan bound chairs beneath the abstractionist rendering of the Bay from a great height. He was rather proud of the artist whom he’d discovered in an obscure boarding house in Milan.

            “  I’m busy but I always have a few minutes if it’s important enough for you to come all the way out here unannounced.  “

            “  We’d like to talk tae ye about reopening Sea Oaks as a place of shelter fer… “

            “  Sea Oaks couldn’t possibly be rebuilt. The idea is absurd. Two of the woods used are now all but extinct.  Talk to me about creating habitat to save endangered heritage forests or the creatures that live in them, and I can promise my…Serena will be at your immediate disposal. She’s become quite the Conservationist since we adopted the boy.   “

            “  Mattie. I need yae speak frankly wid ye, mun tae mun. “

            The stock businessman paled alarmingly and a thin trickle of sweat began to form at his brow in the intensity of his control.

            “  You tried to have us arrested when we were simply trying to help her when she showed up on our doorstep in the dark of the night. You’re heartily welcomed to both of them! “

            John was about to leap to his feet when he felt Al Hoag’s hand on his arm.

            “  Why did ye leave a signature on yer wire tap o our computer, son? Tae prove you could do it? We’ve invited ye tae be a part of our inquiry from the beginning.  “

            “  What inquiry? What commuter?  What signature?  You’re going to have to ask questions I understand if you sincerely wish me to answer them…. “

            “  Serena.  Is that what you would have us believe? If she did it tae us, she’ll do it tae ye, son. “    The Scots man answered simply, reading the signs of fear and concern fluttering with the man’s lashes. He sighed deeply. Saying good-bye was never easy, even when you were the one to make the decision about he break.

            Matthew Lovich leaped to his feet, pale and shaking with rage.

            “  I think you’d better go now! My secretary will make an appointment for you the next time you come crawling in here.  My wife and I will not be separated by your puerile and futile accusations!  “

            “  Aye, the hell ye say. But does that no imply we’ll hae a need tae return, Mattie?

We never said goodbye a yer mo’other’s grave, but we must now, mustn’t we, Son?  “

            To the standing giant’s shock they shook hands and embraced before Al gravely led him out of the gleaming and polished room.

            “  There can be more than one evil afoot a’ a time, Johnny.  “  Was all he said as they paused at a stop light at the corner of Haight and Ashbury.  “ They won after all. We curse, we whore, und hae no responsibility except tae our own pleasures. She was right. “

            “  Who was right? “

            But either he didn’t hear or he wasn’t prepared to answer.

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            Luke Daniel was fussy so Gabby brought his playpen into their bedroom and laid with him across the bed, soothing his fevered cheeks with the gentle stroke of her fingertips and baby kisses on his cheek as he kicked and fussed unhappily until the baby aspirin kicked in.  John wished they could have spent some time together just the two of them, but he couldn’t risk seeming to reject the colicky baby or his young mother. Shiloh slept on their pillow although Gabby remained uneasy about him being in the same room with the boy even while they were near.   

            “  That doesn’t mean he didn’t know. He’s a pat mater at hiding what he really thinks. I tried talking with my sister while you boys were out today but she couldn’t seem to focus on anything, not even crowing over her new diamond ring. I told her we had a new ring around the bathtub but she didn’t think I was being very funny. “

            “  You weren’t?  “  He asked, attempting to pretend he’d been listening.

            “  Wasn’t funny, or wasn’t trying to be funny? John, do you think we’re in any kind of danger from the man who killed Seilee?   “

            “  I don’t know. “  He immediately regretted his answer but as she straightened up, pulling the sleeping boy nearer to her, there wasn’t any way to minimize his answer without making it seem like he was hiding something.

            “  At least he won’t be diabetic.  “ 

            The change in subject startled and discomforted him.

            “  It isn’t a life sentence.  “

            “  Not like cancer. But what if he figures out he doesn’t have it because…  “

            She startled violently as he bent forward and kissed her to prevent the remaining words to leave her mouth. He tasted tears he hadn’t suspected.

            “  You know they pull another one out of the hat. I guess to keep from going to jail. But at least I don’t have to worry about my sister envying me, now she has three of her own.  John?  “

            “  Yes, dear?  “  He agreed unwillingly, frightened where her frame of mind might lead them when he was already so vulnerable.

            “  What if Seilee wanted to tell you something? You know, pass on a great truth before he died, like a master and a pupil? He called you didn’t he?  He’s asleep. I’m going to try and put him in his crib, I’d like to talk, okay?  “

            “  Sure. Let me.  “

            She nodded and slipped back from the edge of the bed, watching the white cat warily in case he woke and they had to leave the nursery door closed.

            By the time she made hot cocoa for both of them, John was stretched out on the living room couch with the television on low, the familiar white form laying across the top of the overstuffed cushions. She petted him thoughtfully with her free hand, waiting for the miniature marshmallows in her cup to dissolve.

            “  Sugar free marshmallows wouldn’t work, would they?  “  She enquired thoughtfully, earning his smile.

            “  Not likely. But I’ll make do. You’re all the sweetness I can handle. “

            She laughed in embarrassment at his causal compliment and blushed violently.

            “  He called you, asking you to come find and rescue him. Isn’t that what most suicides do? “

            “  Unless they’ve already made up their minds, I suppose.  “

            “  I thought impulsive people were the most prone to commit suicide? Even accidentally, I guess?  “  She lowered her eyes and watched the rippling movement as she blew over the rim of the steaming cup.  “  Serena went though a period of cutting herself, but she’s too used to planning everything out to do any real harm, other than pain. Some people need pain, I think.  You’re Mom’s not in pain any more. As much as I miss her, I envy her a little. “

            “  How?  “  He asked cautiously, earning her direct glance.

            “  I haven’t got time to be suicidal, John.  I have a life and a family to take care of. But Seilee didn’t have any family did he?  “

            “  He had a sister. Eugene said she asked him to help.  “

            “  Before or after he dropped out of our lives?  “

            “  I would guess before, Sweetheart.  “  He said sternly, setting his cocoa cup on the coffee table and reaching for her.  She giggled and took a quick sip to keep from spilling it, leaving a thin line of melted sugar across the top of her lip as he plundered her willing mouth in sudden need.

            As she slept in his arms, John Carbasian laid awake in the damp quiet, listening to the even in-and-out of the infant’s breath on the baby monitor, and the slow rhythm of the sleeping woman in his arms. If it hadn’t been for the discovery of the electronic eavesdropping which Mitch and the Hubbard’s dismissed as J. Edgar’s paranoid snooping on Americans resisting the War or possibly collecting data against returning veterans who were troubled enough to need John’s help, he would have dismissed his old friend’s call as a failed attempt to prevent his suicide from finally taking place.

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